So a guy rings this girl’s door bell…

So a guy rings this girl's door bell. Then he knocks really hard.

And the girl goes to the door, wondering why is UPS being so rude today? She peeks through the blinds and sees a man who is not in a UPS uniform standing on her stoop.

The man says, "Your house is on fire!" And the way he says it makes the girl believe he's telling the truth.

But the girl lives in Chicago…so in the back of her mind, AS SHE IS RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE SCREAMING, "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!", this guy may be luring her outside so he can rob or stab her.

Except the guy is a middle-aged man and looks like he could be someone's soccer coach in that white shirt and nice shorts. So something is not quite gelling in the girl's mind while she sprints to the yard (the yard, because somewhere in that frenzy she heard the guy yell, "the garage! the garage!" and the yard is on the way to the garage).

The girl is outside now and she sees nothing at all. No thugs out to kill her either. BUT SHE SMELLS SMOKE and then she sees orange flames licking out of the the side of her garage.

Flames at least 8 feet tall.

She runs back inside, screaming like one does when one sees flames eating up one's house. The only thing that is going through her mind is 9-1-1. 9-1-1. She calls the number, blurts, "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!", and someone asks her for an address. Girl remembers it (miraculously) as she is bracing for a huge explosion because the garage is on fire and there is a car in the garage. And OMG, the car has a full tank of gas!

She is transferred to the Chicago Fire Department.

The next person asks, "what's wrong?"

Girl can only say, "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

"WHere is the fire?"

"THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE."

Lady repeats question. Girl finds different words.

"THE GARAGE! THE GARAGE!"

"Is the garage on fire or is a garbage can on fire?

"I DON'T KNOW," girl answers. "YOU WANT ME TO LOOK?!"

"Lady," the person says, "I need you to calm down." SHe repeats the question.

"YOU REALLY WANT ME TO LOOK?!" the girl says. "I'M NOT GOING THERE!!!!"

Girl watches flames continue to leap from side of house. Girl doesn't listen to lady on phone. She only says, "SEND SOMEONE HERE NOW!"

Girl blurts address again and hangs up.

Now girl notices two guys in alley, shouting to her. "It's okay, it's okay," they say.

Girl only thinks, FIRE LEAPING FROM HOUSE IS NEVER OKAY.

AND…MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Girl hears sirens in the distance. LOTS OF THEM. Girl finally gets to her senses. NOW she is thinking, WATER, WATER, WATER. She grabs a hose on her patio.

Girl fights fire. Flames still eight feet tall. Girl thinks, I could explode at any second. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Firemen arrive. By this point, flames are more like camp fire, instead of huge inferno. When flames have died down, girl realizes garbage can (not garage) is on fire.

Firemen see girl. They laugh. "Great job," one says. "I won't need this." He gestures at a fire truck now parked in front of garage. Another fireman points out, "Your electric meter is melted though."

Girl thinks, melted electric meter, melted wires, explosion.

Girls breaks out into hives. LOTS OF THEM.

A fireman tells girl, "everything is okay. Good work."

Girl then thinks…this will be a great story for her blog.

Girl is…me.

SNOOP SAYS:

At least you figured out what the hives were all about.