Hi Everyone, Round 10 Results are COMPLETE … Page-Off 2 winner is ….. #237!    Everyone who is waiting to figure out how to redeem prizes, we will need until next week to work out the delivery of prizes and so on. There’s a lot going on this week for us, so we appreciate your continued patience. Check back here next Monday for more details!
Because this is the last round, DO NOT send in any more pages, even if I labeled the column Go. 🙂
#        Type             Go      Stop          Notes
| 6 | MG | |||
| 12 | YA | X | Overall, I would have read more. I would like to see her talk about something positive that she might want for herself (like a desire/want) versus what she doesn’t want. Please give me something to hang my hat on so I know what I’m rooting for. | |
| 29 | PB | |||
| 40 | MG | X* | Make it much more clear what the MC is going to be trying to get for herself in these opening pages. Right now, I’m not sure if her character trait Is just part of the story or CENTRAL to the story. Hmm….. I think it needs to be clearer -what will this story be tackling exactly? | |
| 44 | YA | |||
| 48 | MG | |||
| 50 | YA | |||
| 60 | MG | Fun to read. I’ve enjoyed this one, interesting concept. | ||
| 61 | YA | X | I’m a bit concerned that this book did not set itself up for magic up front. Also be mindful of forcing in details where the context doesn’t seem to motivate the detail. There are several facts in her that seem pretty irrelevant to what’s going on when you consider what she just discovered. Would her mind really be focused on those minor details about the parent, etc? | |
| 62 | MG | |||
| 64 | YA | |||
| 67 | MG | |||
| 76 | ||||
| 207 | PB | |||
| 213 | MG | |||
| 216 | PB | |||
| 217 | CB | |||
| 222 | MG | |||
| 224 | MG | |||
| 225 | MG | |||
| 226 | MG | |||
| 227 | PB | |||
| 237 | MG | |||
| 239 | MG | |||
| 304 | YA | |||
| 307 | MG | X* | Overall, I think that the story starter could have begun a bit sooner, given the pacing of this first chapter… I’m a bit on the fence about this one because I felt like I should have known more about the potential plot in this many pages… So consider how this chapter could be tightened to really get at the heart of what this journey may be like for the reader | |
| 313 | MG | X* | I’m a bit concerned that this book doesn’t feel well-rounded enough. There doesn’t seem to be subplots. Just a primary plot and it also doesn’t have a positive want coming from your MC - when thinking about your MC, what does the MC want in your book (not what does he NOT want). I want to root for him. | |
| 314 | MG | |||
| 319 | PB | |||
| 400 | CB | |||
| 407 | PB | x | I feel this needs a lot of tightening to fit a picture book format better but I do appreciate the charm of this character and the kid sensibility so far. Read revision 911 for picture books on wfcat. com for some revision tips to shorten this piece | |
| 500 | MG | X | I like the voice, would keep reading. But definitely watch the language in an MG like this. 🙂 | |
| 501 | MG | |||
| 508 | ER | |||
| 509 | YA | |||
| 510 | MG | |||
| 511 | PB | |||
| 514 | MG | |||
| 517 | MG | X* | The writing is pretty strong, needs a little more control here and there, but I am intrigued by this setup and the character himself. Good work! | |
| 520 | YA | |||
| 521 | MG | X | Overall, I say this is a decent start (but I’m a bit concerned that it starts off in a fairly commonplace way without a real result. Consider reworking this so that you get to a a more prominent inciting incident. It’s too tempting to start where you did – if you start there, something should happen from it. You know? | |
| 528 | MG | X | A fun start but I hope the reader gets a really good sense of the overall story in the coming pages otherwise, the whole opening will fill too deliberate (forced), as if to bait a reader with high-action – make sure you deliver the goods, too. | |
| 529 | PB | |||
| 532 | YA | X* | Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. I just hope that the change in behavior of the phenomena in question is motivated by something. It can’t be plucked from thin air so later it should be clear, why at that moment, things started getting different for your MC. | |
| 538 | MG | |||
| 600 | PB | |||
| 602 | MG | X | Yes, this was a fun mystery. I do wish that the MC’s voice was a shade more memorable. Overall though, good work! | |
| 604 | MG | |||
| 605 | YA | |||
| 608 | YA | X* | This is moving a bit slowly as nearly every detail is written on the page. I’d try to sharpen the focus where you want it and blur out the rest. Right now it seems like everything is on equal footing so it’s hard to know where to focus for story. | |
| 609 | MG | X* | I’m a bit concerned that by this many pages, I still don’t have a clear idea of what this book might be about. I’d tighten this significantly. While the scifi part is intriguing, I still need more story to come across | |
| 615 | CB | X | Hmmm, by this many pages, I needed a better idea of the dilemma this character is going to face. Instead I’m getting little bits of plot in ant-like doses as the story creeps along. I need broader strokes in the beginning so I get a better picture of the ride that is to come. | |
| 617 | CB | |||
| 618 | PB | |||
| 623 | BB | |||
| 626 | MG | |||
| 701 | ER | |||
| 706 | MG | |||
| 712 | YA | X* | Be careful of the MC sounding too whiny and bitter. We still need to root for her so soften a bit. She can be upset, but there’s a fine line between upset and whiny/unpleasurable. | |
| 720 | X | I was troubled by the depiction of the other characters. They felt a bit too stereotypical for me and I would have liked this book overall to exude more believability. | ||
| 722 | ||||
| 724 | X | I think after this many pages, I couldn’t figure out what kind of book this was going to me. Some direction | ||
| 800 | PB | |||
| 802 | ||||
| 805 | CB | |||
| 807 | PB | X | I think this is definitely quirky but has got something important to say. I enjoyed the humor, and felt this was different enough that I wondered how it would do in the marketplace. I would probably encourage you to push the theme a bit farther. Take this to greater heights so that the resolution becomes that much funnier. | |
| 810 | MG | |||
| 900 | PB | X* | Again this has a very good child-like sensibility to this. And there’s charm here. I keep wishing it were a bit shorter but as an opening it’s still got me intrigued. | |
| 902 | Unassigned | |||
| 903 | PB | X | I enjoy your sense of humor but I’m not sure I’m getting a strong sense of what this story is really about from these pages. | |
| 904 | PB | |||
| 906 | ER | X | This next page has convinced me that this falls too far out of the range for an ER. The pacing is that of a longer work. I’d consider simplify this work a great deal. There is lots of charm to the writing though. I just wonder if this structure works as an ER. | |
| 907 | PB | X | This is a very fun cumulative counting PB, I hope that it results in a powerful climax with a clever surprise/twist at the end. | |
| 910 | PB | X* | I like the idea of this and I’m curious to see where this goes, however, I’m also a bit concerned that the MC seems a bit unfeeling (mean?) in this page… | |
| 912 | PB | X | This definitely reads like it should be a chapter book, versus a PB. I would reconsider the format or revamp the execution so that it fits the PB format better. | |
| 913 | YA | X | Even if this becomes more YA, it’s really important that you grab your teen reader on page 1. Nothing super huge has to happen but if this smells like a younger book, you’ll lose them before they even make it to cash register. I’d reconsider your opening. | |
| 914 | PB | X | Still charming. A little tightening here and there but overall, I would have read the next page. | |
| 1000 | PB | X* | Not so sure about the sidebars (you may want to consider having a factual end page so the story isn’t interrupted by sidebars. Like the subject matter just don’t make it too creepy (like in an Arachnophobia kind of way) | |
| 1001 | YA | X* | I always get a little leery if the book opens with an adults as the main character | |
| 1002 | PB | X | This felt a bit wordy for me and I questioned if the premise was universal enough. Hmmm.. Perhaps if the intro had been much shorter, I might have gotten to the heart of your story. | |
| 1003 | PB | X | This premise wasn’t clear in the first half-page and I was concerned that the dialogue overtook what could have been great visuals. I wanted to see more story in this opener for a PB. Some hint that there will be a a great so-what. | |
| 1004 | PB | X | Unfortuantely, I felt text-wise this sounded a bit too ominous in quality, and unfortunatetly the story itself is a bit predictable. I’ve seen this concept in a manuscript done several times. Probably because it is such a common thing that children and parents do. For this to work, this concept really has to be done in a very unique way to stand out. There need to be more market value and emotional value so it doesn’t feel too “everyday.” | |
| 1005 | PB | X | Unfortunately, the premise didn’t feel “big” enough to carry a picture book. Perhaps a very simplified version of this might work as a board book. But in the end, as a pb, I was hoping for more. A bigger so-what. | |
| 1006 | PB | X* | This feels like material for a chapter book versus MG, but it’s too soon to tell. Establish where they are if you can. |
Cynthea,THANK YOU for all you’ve done, for both writers and critters everywhere :0)
A huge thank you to you, Cynthea! I enjoyed reading all your comments. I’d like to read the winner’s comments for Page Off #2, but I don’t see a #2 in the results. Am I missing it somewhere? Thanks again!
My bad! I made a mistake in the entry #. I was thinking Page-off 2 and then put 2 as the winning number. The actual winning # is 237. I just figured that out with the winner last night. I’m updating the post.